Exposing my heart ...

 

So today I need to get some things out in the open about a relationship in my life that has been in conflict for awhile. I'm not really sure what started the whole problem, but it's gotten to the point where things are out of hand. So I'm going to come clean on exactly how I feel in hopes that, maybe, things can be repaired ...

 

 

So for starters, this person has been highly influential in my life for the last 5 years, especially when it comes to my return to Christianity, my decision to join the Catholic Church, and my desire for a personal relationship with Christ. They have also been an amazing example of service and showing love to others. I could not believe the genuine interest they showed in me when I first met them, and cherished the friendship we built.

 

I had the opportunity late last summer to begin working with them in a ministry setting. The tension between us seemed to start there, but I still am not quite sure why. It was such an amazing experience for me, and I learned so much from them. Though things did not work out well and I stepped back from that position earlier this year, I walked away knowing that I had experienced something awesome and would be forever changed for the better because of it. The lessons they taught me were invaluable and truly strengthened not only my faith walk but also my relationships with people in general, as I had learned from that person to approach ALL situations in love and empathy for others.

 

 

Fast forward to today - the circumstances surrounding that situation still seem to be an issue, despite my best efforts to show this person that I hold no ill will or hard feelings toward them. I deeply treasure them, and have a huge amount of respect for them and for everything they do for others, especially within our Parish. It breaks my heart that because of mis-understandings, mis-communications and lacks of communications, and mis-directed actions, we no longer have a good relationship. I desperately miss their friendship, their wisdom, and their positive influence in my life.

  

I know that life is not all about me, what I want, and what I need. A few years ago, I committed myself to live with God as #1, Family as #2, All Others as #3, and myself as always last. I am good with that, because I respect and love myself enough to know that I matter, but not so much as to think I matter more than others. So I realize that, if I lessen this person's life, if I bring negativity to it, that I should not be a part of it.

That being said, I know that I do not do that through my own actions. Any negativity has been because of their response to my actions. However, I question the role that I play in their response. Am I doing something unintentionally to trigger something that leads to that response? Have I unknowingly been the cause of their pain and frustration? I have tried to do everything as they requested, and it has not seemed to help. So today, I am left with the questions of what, where, when, and how. What did I do, where did it occur, when did it happen, and how did I somehow disrespect or dishonor this person?

 

I'm sorry to tell you that I do not have a happy conclusion today for myself. I feel broken, lost, confused, hurt, and upset. I am completely baffled as to how I can mend the wounds that I caused, I am clueless as to how I even caused them, and unsure of what the wounds even are. On top of that, I'm not even sure if the wounds I caused are my fault, or the result of pain and insecurities that this person was already carrying around. Today, I end with the only thing in life that encompasses every possible emotion we can feel, the one thing that every person does at some point in their life even if they do not 'believe' in God, the only thing to do in a situation like this: PRAY.