My Broken Vessel

 

I am so dang fidgety today it's not even remotely funny. The ADHD is kicking into overdrive. I'm sick of the cold. I'm tired of aching. I want my beautiful spring flowers and sweet, fluffy baby birds back. Instead I have snow. Quite honestly, I'm trying to figure out how to find something cheerful about today, aside from the fact that I'm the only person in the office for most of the day so it's quiet. Not that it's really that much louder when my co-worker is here. I've changed my radio station 5 times now, and am contemplating a 6th change. The urge to run back home and play with powertools is so strong I cannot even begin to describe it!!!

I have ALWAYS had a brain that runs a million miles an hour. Until I was about 8, I didn't vocalize most of my thoughts because I figured nobody cared to hear them but me. By the time I was 10, it didn't matter if you wanted to know what was going on in my head or not, I would tell you. I finally learned to reign that in about 3 years ago. Not a fun journey, either. People can be so cruel to anyone who is a bit different. And I definately acquired the Allen eccentricities. I love that I have them now, but not so much for many, many years - especially growing up, the formative years.

For many years, I was depressed and anxious because people found me annoying. By the time I was 16, I had been given the nickname Tigger by a boss because he said I was always bouncing around with a smile and chattering. I had so much energy, and so much in my head and my heart to share, but I didn't know how to express it in a way that other people would listen to. And few people cared enough to listen to more than 5 or 6 sentences before they got annoyed or walked away. Nobody knew that the cheery exterior, the smiles, the jokes, were all to cover the pain caused by their rejection and mockery. I felt like I was a slug trying to be a butterfly.

It took many years of this pain and rejection, of a terrible and very heavy self-loathing that caused very bad decisions, of the painful consequences of those very bad decisions, before I realized that the answer was in my question: Every time I was asking God WHY, I was asking the wrong person. I should have been asking myself why! WHY had I turned from His love? WHY had I thought I was smart enough, strong enough, able enough to live without His plan? Nothing I had done so far had been helpful. I had taken the beautiful soul God created JUST FOR ME, before I was EVEN THOUGHT OF and I had crushed it into a billion little shards, each one with edges created by my sin, by my selfishness, by my anger and refusal to forgive those whom had hurt me, and used them to further cut myself apart. And to cut others apart, the very worst thing I could have done!

Last October, I had the honor of attending our Diocese's first Annual Women's Conference with several of the wonderful women from my Parish. I fell in love with the way that they explained the focus of the conference, the model that they used to describe our lives in relation to God and sin. It is so perfect, so beautiful, that I've expanded the description a bit and have adopted that description as my own. So now, I want to share it with you:

 

When God creates each of us, He lovingly forms our souls with His hands, The Potter's Hands. We are each perfect, each unique, each made in His own image. And so we begin life as a beautiful, shining vessel, a perfect example of His perfect love. When we sin, it is as if a sledgehammer comes down and smashes us to bits. With each sin, we become more fragmented, until we are little more than a pile of shattered bits and pieces with sharp edges, ready to cut and defend. When we come to God, as like the prodigal son, we offer Him the pieces of what was once His perfect creation. When we accept His love and forgiveness, and we start to live in Him and allow Him to live through us, He takes those pieces, those shattered bits, and He begins to piece us back together. We become a new vessel, created of the pieces, the experiences, of our past. We will never be exactly the same, yet we will be made perfect again! When we allow God to put our pieces back together, we become as a broken vessel that is bursting with His light through every crack and crevice. What could be more beautiful than a life shining with the light of His love and grace?!? Occasionally, we will stumble and a piece will fall out. Each time we come to Him in humility, He forgives those stumblings and allows His light to shine more brightly through the new holes and cracks. The more we allow God to use us, the brighter the light shines until it can no longer be contained and begins to spill out over everything and everyone we encounter in our lives! We become as a beacon in the darkness, a hope that all can see.

 

Every day, I strive to give God my cracks and shards, my bumps and bruises.

I don't ask Him for band-aids or motrin. I ask Him to take my pain and use it for good!

We have a few beliefs in our family that emphasize this way of thinking:

Never say can't. You CAN do anything you strive for! The outcome may not always be what you expected, but do not sell yourself short from working to achieve anything!

Never say mistake. The very word mistake allows for denial of responsibility. Every situation is controlled by those involved in it, and their decisions determine it's positive or negative outcome. Whenever we experience a positive outcome, we are called to share that with others, to spread the good will. Whenever we experience a negative outcome, whether it's from our decisions or it's the impace of the decisions of others, we are called to learn from that experience. To spread the lessons, to not repeat those poor decisions and to teach others not to repeat those decisions! Out light should be more than a candle illuminating a bit of the darkness - we truly should be as a beacon in a lighthouse, always striving to lead and guide others to the shelter and safety of God's shore!

So today, I'm going to do my best to funnel my excessive energy in to creativity. I am going to work on the materials for our Parish's new ministry, Families In Faith (the brainchild of God inspiring my mind and heart during Mass on Sunday)'s monthly get-together this Friday night. I choose to become a beacon. To let His light shine through my wounds, making them clean and bright. Look out, though, because this beacon can be a bit jumpy and giggly at times!  ;)