Today is the day I finally crack up ... Maybe ...

 Here we go again lol. I don't know what it is lately, but it seems like everything is 'Go, Go, Go, Go!' At least that's how it's presented to me. I am trying to take it one thing at a time, and it seems that some people are not so happy about that. To them I say, 'Calm thyself! It will all get done in time!' Ok, fine. I don't say it. I think it. As I scramble around like a headless chicken trying to accomplish it all.

 

Yep, this little guy right here just about sums it up. That's how I feel, and I wouldn't be suprised it that's how I look haha.

 

On a bright note, I KILLED IT BABY on the trails last night. Or, as Ms. Ri said, YOU OWNED IT MOM! It was a bit hilarous, I started out as the villian when I told her she had to come with me and at least make a good effort to run the trails. She was extremely unhappy to say the least. Then she loved me because I told her we were biking the 1.25 miles and back. I was so proud of her for the most part because she actually ran at least half of the 1.5 mile loop we do! Except the part where she refused to run more than 1/4 of the way up ANY hills, even the small ones lol. Until I dared her to hit the short but very steep one that's just about halfway through. SHE KILLED IT, SHE OWNED IT! I was so proud of her, and she was so proud of herself! She actually thanked me last night AND this morning for taking her and making her run!!!! She is a stubborn one, but so amazing! <3

 

And now, I say adeiu, as this hectic day is currently hitting a level of frenzy that may quite possibly drive me to dumping mass quantities of Baileys and Kahlua into my coffee. Maybe I will just pull a 'one of my minions' act and flip out with a good old fashioned SWERVE for everyone! Muahaha! (No, but really, it's more of a GAA!)

Like a tadpole swimming in concrete

I feel stuck. Frustrated. Like brick walls keep popping up, booby traps and potholes tripping me and holding me back from where I should be, where my family should be. It's incredibly frustrating. And what's worse, is that so much of it is 'confidential' situations, so I can't even have a glass of wine with a good friend and get it off my chest. Ok, that's not completely true. I can have a glass of wine with a friend. I just can't unload on them. I'd better be careful what I'm saying here or I will start getting a ton of offers for a stress-free glass of wine with a friend! (Hehe, because that would be just awful!)

 

What to do, what to do! I realize that this too shall pass, and in a few days or weeks or months things will have changed. Some will have been resolved, some will be better, some will be worse, some will be the same. So why in the heck and I letting it get to me like this?

 

Spring Fever. I have Spring Fever. EVERY year since I was about 10, I get Wanderer's Itch around mid-February. By March is it driving me nuts, and by April it's nearly unbearable. I want to get up and go. Somewhere new, something new. It's not that I want to leave my amazing life, I just need a change. Quite frankly, I want to get the heck out of Dodge and go buy a sprawling ranch in the Texas hill country! I want to grow my marriage, my family, my children, animals, fruits and vegetables. I want to live off the land and let the land live through us! I've always had this dream where I have my ranch and Palamino, Arabian, & Mustang horses, along with one Jersey cow named Eva and one Longhorn Steer named Moe. I cannot tell you why, that's just what I want to see in my field. I also want chickens and tons of dogs and barn cats. I want a little farmhouse on the edge of the property for my parents, and another one on the other edge for hubby's mom. I want to grow our food, make our own bread and pasta and ice cream. I want to work for my family with my family.

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I realize of course, that this Utopian dream has about as great a chance of coming true as I have of ever getting people who chomp their gum to actually chew it like there's other people around who don't want to hear their disgusting, spitty, chomping and snapping.

 

I apologize for my short temperment today. Ugh. It just seems like it is SOOO busy right now, and until this week the weather has been so crappy that it's stirring people's agitation pots.

 

Apparently I'm one of those people lol. I think I will go home, throw on my running shoes and pound it out on the wooded trails. RAH!

About as Natural as Hamburger Helper

Last night I took an awesome walk with an awesome friend, and along the way we were discussing food and who cooks what in our families. She mentioned Hamburger Helper and it kinda stuck in my head. I was not 100% sure why until this morning when Apocalyptica's 'I Don't Care' trampled my brain and it hit me. Dealing with some people in our life who talk about what good people they are yet their actions are the exact opposite. It drives me nuts. Like intensely stressful, hair falling out, migraine causing crazy. Which is insane in an of itself to let someone else's issues drive me to that point. Certainly there are other factors involved which explain why I would be so concerned. But still, letting myself become such a bundle of anxiety means that there's no way in heck I'm being a good example to those around me. It doesn't make me a bad person or mean that I'm showing a bad example necessarily, just that I'm not showing how to correctly deal with stress.

So in the last 6 months or so, I've had an elephant sized load of revelations that of course I'm gonna tell you all about, whether you want to read them or not ...  

 

The first one was that I am not supposed to be afraid. No longer should I be living in fear of what they might do, or say, or think. That my strength is in the Rock of my Salvation, and because of that, Whom Shall I Fear? Seriously, I realized that my fear was being caused by the evil one (sorry, NOT caps-ing the first letters, he doesn't deserve it!). I realized that by fearing the consequences of everything, I was leading our family in a life of decisions that were led by God and then adjusted to fit the parameters of the fear. What the heck was I thinking?!?!?!?!? Here I am teaching our kids to stand up for themselves in righteousness, to be strong in what they believe, don't let anyone trample on who they are and Who their faith is founded in. And I'm sitting in the corner like Chicken Little worrying about what will happen if, how will it be handled when, what will the kids have do deal with ... Honestly, just writing this and running it through my brain, I am getting severely annoyed at myself. Like chewing myself out in my head annoyed. Sheesh.

The second revelation was that, if I no longer live in fear, I have the freedom to do what is absolutely right and when it's necessary to defend those actions, God will give me the words to say, silencing the attackers and sending them away. Now this doesn't mean that they won't talk and attack when I'm not there to hear it. But it does mean that those attacks will no longer be initiated or instigated in our home. The devil will NOT get a handle on my family through that avenue any longer. That in itself is another freedom. When these realizations hit me, I cannot even put into words the HUGE release I felt. It was as if I had been carrying around this giant burden and it suddenly was lifted off of me. I just felt such lightness, such hopefulness, such joy ... There's no way to explain the depth of it properly in words. Tears of true love and joy came, and I do not cry easily.

The third big revelation came when I realized that we are no longer under their control, and they cannot manipulate us or situations any longer. Sure they can try, and they may even succeed with those who are part of their lives and therefore believe them. But for those seeking the truth, they will not be able to warp or bend the truth to suit their selfish desires and arrogance. Again, it was wonderfully freeing. I have begun to almost see thorough them. What I mean is, when I see them, I no longer see their outward appearance, the mask, the facade that they put out for everyone to see. I see the sadness, the anger, the arrogance, the frustration, the lack of self-worth, that is causing them to succumb to Satan's temptations.

 

SIDENOTE: AGAIN, the music backs it up. Flyleaf's 'Again', Trapt's 'Headstrong', The Birthday Rumor 'Goodnight', blessthefall's 'Promised Ones' ... *Yes, I'm in a hardcore/screamo mood today. 

 

When we give in to the bling and glitter of the world, we say yes to Satan. Plain and simple, black and white, there it is for you. Like it or not. Living IN the world is fine. We reside here, but our future and our hope is in Christ, in the eternal afterlife of Heaven. I'm talking about living OF the world. The kind of living that leads to the 'Keeping Up With The Jones'es' mentality. When possessions become the focus, when looking good and looking like good people becomes more important than simply being good people. The Gimmie Gimmie mentality develops, and soon the focus is on what is appears one's life is. Jesus once instructed His disciples to '... be in the world and not of it ...' God has placed us here for a reason, and it's not to destroy the hope of our eternal future by falling into every material and earthly trap that Satan lays out for us. We become fake, fraudulent versions of who God created us to be.

 

This is how I see it. Either you are or you aren't. There is no trying or want to. Either you do or your don't. That's one of the strongest motto's we teach our kids. You either put all your effort into something or you don't. If you are going to do something halfway, then you might as well not do it at all, because half done things always have to be fixed or finished by someone else, meaning your laziness created more work for someone else.

 

So when it comes to life, you either believe in God or you don't. You either follow His ways or you don't. Being a so-called good person is not even remotely enough. If you're not following His example, if you're not working to bring others to Christ and to glorify The Father, then you're working against them. The Bible is pretty clear on this. This website lists several Biblical references to lukewarm people and their place in eternity based on their behaviour in this world: http://www.dublinvcc.org/Portals/0/Crazy%20Love.pdf. I was going to list several scriptures but this is way faster, sorry. *The hands are still recovering from the surgery and I've typed quite a bit already today lol.*

 

So at the end of this half a year of revelation, I have finally realized that I am free! The bonds of fear have been loosed. The bonds of a tied tongue have been removed. The bonds of an anxious heart have been evaporated. Anxiety, worry, concern - they have all been downgraded and put into perspective. There are times to feel those emotions, but they will no longer control our decisions. It's one thing to say God is the head of your house. It's another absolutely beautiful and freeing thing to believe it with your whole heart, to live it. Our house, our lives have always been in His hands. What's changed is that now I'm no longer trying to move His fingers where I think they should be!

 

Lost in Translation

First off, let me say WOW! I was floored and humbled to see 67 views to my last post ... I pray daily that God will use my ramblings for others, so I pray that at least 1 of you were helped in some way by His Words through me!

 

Secondly, I apologize for being MIA so much. As some of you know, I have some super duper fun health issues going on. Last Thursday I got to receive a double carpal tunnel release surgery, so my hands have been bound and gagged and kinda hurting. Today is the first day I've driven since surgery, and it was only 2 blocks lol. At some point I get to drive the 13 1/2 miles to my Dr's office in Chartucky for my allergy shots. Let me tell you, if I can get there alive, you better believe I will be going to reward myself with a very large caramel frappe from the attached Evelyn Bay coffee & tea shop!!!

So I am really getting dragged down by this crappy weather. The mere fact that it might hit the 50 degree mark today had me so giggly it's not even remotely funny. So excited, in fact, that I wore a skirt, my amazing fishnet stockings that have flowers knitted into the pattern, and my incredibly awesome red 3 1/2" heels. Hubby tells me I'm a little nuts about the shoe thing because I have 3 baskets of shoes and about 1 3/4 is heels ... which leads me to my point today: how much crap is in your life? When  you discover it, what do you do with it? Do you ignore it, hang on to it, use it as an excuse to not move forward?

 

Naturally I'm talking about both material and spiritual crap. Maybe it's that pair of jeans you fit 4 years ago but, thanks to a devastating knee injury, you can't seem to lose that last 12# to fit into them no matter how much you under-eat and over-exercise. Maybe it's that memory box, filled with pictures of old friends, old loves, aka the past. Maybe it's that grudge you've been carrying around in your mental backpack toward that co-worker who snubbed you that one time. Maybe it's the pain you're hiding from your spouse because they caused it and you don't want to 'ripple the waters'.

 

*SIDENOTE: Again, God affirms the message through my music station - Dara Maclean's 'Suitcases' just came on!!!*

 

When our houses become cluttered with stuff, what do most people do? We donate stuff or have a yard sale! Personally, I'm in favor of donation. I've learned that yard sales are a TON of work and at the end there is still stuff left that ends up getting donate. Plus, quite often, the most dedicated yard-sale-scroungers are actually hoarders. So I'm really doing a service by not contributing to their issues by giving them more stuff to clutter their home with!

 

So when you're facing life crap that is mental, spiritual, or both, what do you do? Do you seek out the source of the issue and do your best to resolve it, or do you shove it in your mental backpack and 'forget' about it? As painful as dealing with a rough situation can be, allowing wounds to fester and grow is much more painful. We have a choice when we come face to face with life crap: take it on or turn away from it.

 

Given that we have THE Higher Power waiting around to help us at all times, it would be fair to assume that take it on would be the obvious and more often used solution. Sadly, this is wrong! Thanks to Satan and the thoughts of arrogance and inflated self-worth he plants in our heads and hearts, many people choose to turn away from it, creating a burden that they begin to carry around.

 

The longer that  something is left undealth with, the worse the situation becomes, and the heavier the burden becomes to carry around. At the end of the day, this only creates more pain and frustration for those involved.

 

The worst is when we let fear stop us. The fear of being wrong, the fear of being belittled, the fear of confrontation aka becoming tongued-tied, the fear of being revealed as less intelligent or less organized or less hardworking, etc. All of these are legitimate fears, but each one comes with many strings attached. At the bottom of each string is a tiny weight. When dealing with the fear along, that weight is  not too bad. But attach that weight to the weight of the situation we are afraid to deal with and suddenly we are doubled over struggling to bear the load our mental backpack now carries.

 

The heavier that load becomes, the more it affects our hearts. Once something has changed or hurt our hearts, it becomes a spiritual issue. Pain and anger carried around often lead to people isolating themselves from others, and from God. Separation from people causes loneliness, but even worse is the separation from God. By definition, Hell is The Total Separation From God. There is no access to Him, absolutely no way to talk to Him, to hear His voice, to feel the comfort of His love.

 

If you want to talk about scary, Total Separation From God is about the scariest thing I can imagine. What most people don't realize or refuse to see is that the further you are separated from God in this life, the closer you come to Total Separation for eternity!

 

Fortunately, there is an answer! Believe it or not, it's simple. Much simpler than carrying around the burdens and baggage of un-dealt with life issues. Simply choose to take it on. Approach the subject first within yourself, asking God for direction. Look at what the problem is, what is causing the problem, and what can be done to solve the problem, If it involves another person, then pray for His grace to fill you with love and kindness and the right words to say, then approach that person in love. We have all had to deal with those people who just choose to cause trouble, so we are all aware that speaking one-on-one with the other person/people may not always work. Still, we should always try it. You never know how much pain someone else might be carrying around, and how simply approaching them in love to resolve a situation may change their whole perspective and therefore their life.

After the situation has been broken down and all the people involved have discussed possible solutions, it is extremely important to take a few moments and forgive each and every person for their role in the situation, including yourself. Then we must in turn ask for their forgiveness toward us for our actions. Even when we don't feel we did something wrong, remember that the other people may have responded negatively to whatever you did, creating the conflict and indication that they strongly felt you did something wrong.

 

The surest sign of true humility is the person who is willing to forgive and to ask forgiveness when a rough situation has occurred, regardless of whose fault it is that the situation was created. Nobody is perfect and we all say things in the heat of confrontation that do not come out right or that we do not truly mean. Add to it that these words are spoken often in anger, frustration, or defensiveness, and you have a recipe for pain.

 

Life is too short to be tied to earthly burdens, and eternity is too, well eternal, to carry those burdens around. Make an active choice to not bury issues and situations. Choose to take them on headfirst, to resolve them as soon as possible, to forgive, and to ask forgiveness. Personally, I will take a little pain right away over a nagging, annoying, and heavy long-term hurt. Besides, there are the added benefits of building self-confidence, communication skills, an ability to speak in love and peace, and a mindset of putting others first that come with dealing with the life issues as they roll at us. Not a bad payoff if you ask me!

Red Dye #40

We've all heard the phrase 'Don't drink the Cool-Aid.' This week, God has been telling me very strongly exactly this. As He is clearly orchestrating my playlist this morning to tell me, I'm going to speak out for what I believe. The truth of God's Word.

 

Currently, the Cool-Aid is being colored red. Anyone who has a FB account has seen it - the red equality sign being posted by people. Ostensibly, it stands for Marriage Equality. Seems harmless, right? Not even close. This seemingly innocent picture in actuality holds a much darker meaning. It is not about Marriage Equality. It is about equal marriage rights for the LBGT communities.

 

I am by no means a bigot. Ask anyone that knows me, I'm fairly tolerant of other people's lifestyle choices. If you ask my opinion, be prepared to hear the truth from God, but presented in a loving and non-judgmental way. Each and every one of us is presented with choices in life, and we each will eventually pay the consequences for those choices, both good and bad. I strongly believe and do my best to live out that we are also called to present the Truth whenever possible to those living in UnTruth.

 

For those of us who claim the Truth of God's Words, supporting the LBGT communities lifestyle choices in any way, shape, and form, is a sin. Whether or not you personally like that or not is a non-factor. That being said, choosing not to support the individual person, aside from their lifestyle choices, is also a sin. What do I mean? Exactly this - refusing them access to the same necessities and even extra's in life that someone who makes heterosexual lifestyle choices has. Housing, a job, healthcare, clothing, food, transportation.

 

It is when we confuse equality with fairness that the lines become blurred. As an employer, it is wrong to deny any of your employees healthcare. However, that does not mean you should be obligated to provide access to contraception and abortions if it violates your moral convictions regarding murder. In that same sense, you should not be obligated to provide healthcare for your LBGT employee's live-in partner simply because the state does not recognize their union as legally able to marry. The government set this precident when it was formed and based on the Biblical principles God laid out when He created Adam and Eve. Not Adam and Steve, not Autumn and Eve. One man + one woman = One Union.

 

Holding this belief to be a part of the Integral Truth of life as God created it does not make me a bigot. It does not make me akin to the ultra-conservative mobs of the 60s who were against racial equality. It makes me a Truth-teller, not a hate-spewer. I support the person, I am not obligated to support the lifestyle.

 

Fairness demands that everyone receive the same thing, regardless of it's moral rightness or whether it's best for everyone or not.

 

Equality demands that everyone receive exactly what is best for them withing the species  God created them.

 

As humans, we are created to honor God, to bring Him glory with our lives. Choosing our own feelings and desires over His moral code is certainly part of our human urges. However, let's not confuse human urges with spiritual Truths. Adam and Eve were created in the image of God, without sin. When the serpent, aka Satan, the great tempter, entered the picture, he brought with him sin. When Eve gave in to that temptation to disobey God, she gave in to Satan's ever constant desire to be greater than God. In that moment that she disregarded God's instructions to her and Adam, she made a choice to, in her mind, be smarter than God.

 

Did it actually make her smarter than God? Heck no! The price of elevating herself to a level of arrogance and disobedience is still being paid today. Shame, pain, and death. Humans began confusing equality and fairness shortly after they were booted from the Garden of Eden. Example One: Cain and Abel. We all know how well that argument about fairness ended, with one brother murdered and the other spending the rest of his life attempting to run from God and the consequences of committing that murder.

 

God gave us a sense of shame for a very good reason - it is our moral compass. If something makes you feel guilty, if you worry about others finding out about it, if it makes you feel ashamed in some way, that's a HUGE alarm going off to tell you that it is morally wrong. The very fact that people are fighting so hard to gain acceptance for something that was considered taboo to even talk about less than a generation ago should be setting off warnings in everyone's minds and hearts.

 

Yet here again, we confuse equality with fairness. Fairness demands that anyone, regardless of their sexual lifestyle choices, should receive equal treatment in the eyes of the law and even, and here's the big kicker, with the Church, which is the very Body these lifestyle choices are in such abject discord!

 

When we, as the Body of Christ, begin to confuse acceptance of the person with acceptance of their sexual lifestyle, we knowingly committ a huge sin. We do not have to be ok with it to love the person. Example? We are not ok with someone molesting children, or wontonly murdering others, or committing adultery. Why then, are we ok with people making a lifestyle choice that is in itself against not only moral law but also the very nature in which we were created?

 

We are not only called to love everyone, we are called to stand against sin. Just as we say it's a hypocrisy to be Pro-Life yet support abortion and genocide in some cases, it is also a hypocrisy to say we are Christians and Catholics who fully believe the Word of God and still support any part of the LBGT lifestyle.

 

Just as it is important to make a clear and strong stand about mainting morality in our beliefs, it's even more important to display those in our daily lives. Little else will destroy the good done through a taking a moral stand quicker than allowing temptation to creep into our personal lives unchecked. We are all unperfect due to the entrance of Original Sin into the make-up of humanity. It's expected to falter now and then, but it's what we do with those falterings that determines whether or not our witness will stand True under observation. The stronger a person stands, the more they are subject to intense criticism from those under the influence of Satan.

 

So make a choice to love without compromising moral law. Jesus loved the sinners, those rejected for their moral shortcomings. Just as He was compelled to serve them first, to show them how to leave their fallen ways and follow the path of Righteousness, so are we. Equality in all situations, fairness in none. Support the individual, not their immorality.

 

It is not just important, it is essential to our Christian faith that we at all times stand for morality. Love the person, not the sin.

Created In His Presence for LIFE!

Last night, I had the priviledge of attending a Mass in memorial of Fr. Ben's recently deceased sister. For whatever reason, I felt and increased awareness and yearning to be a part of the holiness of the Mass. My spirit and emotions were more open than usual. I felt an incredibly strong desire thtoughout the Mass to not just listen to it, but to immerse myself fully in it. This feeling only increased as the Liturgy went on. When it came time for the receipt of the Eucharist, I was so overwhelmed with the desire to experience Christ that I could barely contain the emotion. After I consumed both the Body and the Blood, I returned to my kneeler and was immediately consumed by a feeling of warmth and love, so strong that I began to cry. My heart began to speak louder than my head, and I found myself silently saying over and over, "Thank you Jesus, I do not deserve Your presence inside me. Thank You for forgiving me, for Your grace. Thank You for loving me." When the table had been cleaned and the Eucharist returned to the Tabernacle, I still felt so tightly held in His arms that I did not want to proceed with the Closing Blessings and Hymn.

 

I have never had a response like that to the Mass. I've only felt that strongly in His presence at the FOP's we occasionally attend at another Parish in our Diocese. The priest there, after exposing Christ, will physically bring Him to each of us, and when He nears me, I can feel the presence of Christ so strongly that everything else fades out and I sit there just immersed in His love and grace for as long as I can.

 

After I got home, I was reflecting on the night's experience and wondering how and why it was that I was blessed to feel His presence so strongly at just a Mass. It occurred to me that maybe it was because it wasn't just a Mass. It was a Mass of Rememberance, a celebration and memorial of the life of a sister in Christ. A member of our Catholic family, a member of our human family. We had all come together not just for the purpose of celebrating the Mass, but also for the purpose of celebrating a LIFE. In that moment, all the believers gathered in our Church were demonstrating the ultimate celebration of the sanctity of life. We were wholly and purely revelling in the beauty, the mystery, the gift, that we are given at conception to be created in the image of God, and to be placed on this earth to celebrate His glory, to exemplify His love, to share the gift of forgiveness and eternal spiritual life with all those we come into contact with.

 

Because I'm me, my train of thoughts naturally proceeded to comparing the midset I experienced at Mass last night with the current mindset of many people in the world, and especially those leaders in our country. True Catholic believers and members of the ProLife movement celebrate life as more than just being pushed out of a woman's body, should SHE choose to allow our birth. We celebrate life as the perfect mystery that it is, all inclusive. We do not dismiss portions of the mystery for reasons of convenience or denial of responsibility. We are created in the image of a perfect God, and we are conceived for His purpose, for His glory and honor. Our lives are all significant, all special, all holy. We are created for a reason, in the beauty and majesty of the All-Loving One True God.

 

Many will say that to deny a woman the choice to use monthly birth control, morning after pills, or abortion, is to deny her the right to control her own body. They will use all kinds of lies, distorting the truth in ways beyond comprehension, to push this agenda. But at the end of the day, the truth is still the truth. A life is a life, and has the inherint right to live, from the moment of natural conception to the moment of natural death. Women are blessed with the greatest gift possible, to harbor and shelter new lives until they are ready to live outside the protection of the womb. The choices presented by the Abortion Industry (or ProChoice, call it what you will, they are one and the same) are completely and totally false! Please listen to me when I say this: We are being lied to, it is obvious to anyone who is willing to look past the surface, and these lies are costing MILLIONS of lives each year!  

The following is a fightening example and should serve as a terrible reminder of how protecting of the sanctity of ALL life is viewed as a personal decision rather than the moral obligation that it is:
A man in a position of great power and widespread influence, Barack Obama, was recently quoted as saying, "You can't deny women their basic rights and pretend it's about your 'religious freedom'. If you don't like birth control, don't use it. Religious freedom doesn't mean you can force others to live by your own beliefs."

It's absolutely accurate to say that "You can't deny women their basic rights and pretend it's about your 'religious freedom.'" However, to accuse the ProLife movement, specifically the Catholic Church, of doing this is absolutely inaccurate.
...
It's been proven that the Pro'Choice' industry often does not put the health of women as it's priority and many of their 'Doctors' actually go to lengths that compromise the woman's health, whereas the ProLife movement exists specifically TO maintain the health of ALL people, from natural conception to death. The ProLife movement, and specifically the Catholic Church, does NOT deny women their basic rights. We ensure basic rights for both the women and the children - the basic right to LIFE.

The fact of the matter is that life begins at conception. Birth control does not prevent conception, it prevents implantation. A woman's right to choose begins when she chooses whether to perform the act that leads to conception, not after it is realized that a child has been conceived and the decision of whether their life is convenient or not, wanted or not, is being weighed.

The 'issues' of birth control are not religious issues. They are LIFE issues. Period. To intertwine the two, to create false illusions and shadows by creating a mindset that conception is a health issue by using mis-information and distorting the truth, is a sin against both God and our fellow human beings.

Light at the end of the pain

Fair warning right off the bat ... today, divorce is on my mind and heart. I promise the story ends with a smile, though ...

 

In less than a month, I will again face the day my own divorce was finalized 9 years ago. It's not an easy day. It's not a day I celebrate, but it is no longer a day I mourn. It was another life so to speak, another person who walked into the court room that day. I remember the day as a blur, one of those days that is so overly emotional your brain becomes a bit hazy as a defense mechanism because if you felt every emoion pouring through your body, you would have a psychotic melt down.

Divorce should never be a cause for celebration, something to rejoice in or be happy about. In my case, it needed to happen. That does not mean I wanted it. I wanted my marriage to work out, to raise my children in one home, with both their parents. Displaying and sharing and being one solid, loving family as God intended it.

 

Satan, however, had very different plans, and one of us succombed to those plans. It only takes one person to tear a family apart. The pain it causes is unspeakable, and the effects last a lifetime. I thought once the judge signed that paper, that I would feel free, able to move on, as if a weight had been lifted. That was not the case. I felt wasted, unwanted, unloved, and useless.

 

(Sidenote - as ALWAYS, God backs up my heart's message with the music playing on my Jango station ... currently it's Tenth Avenue North's 'Times'. I encourage you to listen to it after you read this ...)('Time' was immediately followed by Bethany Dillon's 'New Again'. Then Nichole Nordeman's 'I Am'. Wow. God is amazing!)

Slowly, I learned that, if you are open to it, healing does come. But it is not easy. More hurt will happen along the journey. You will make stupid decisions, have bad relationships, hurt more, cry more than you ever thought was possible, and loathe yourself in ways you have never experienced before. It's dirty, messy, and awful. Takingout the garbage always is. But once it's gone, you have a newly cleaned, fragile heart, ready for hope and healing.

 

I'm want to share the lyrics from 'I Am' with you. God used this song in a huge way while I was entrusting Him to heal me:

"Pencil marks on a wall, I wasn't always this tall. You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed. You watched my team win, You watched my team lose, watched when my bicycle went down again. And when I was weak, unable to speak, still I could call You by name. And I said, Elbow Healer, Superhero, come if You can. You said, I Am.
Only sixteen, life is so mean. What kind of curfew is at 10pm? You saw my mistakes, and watched my heart break. Heard when I swore I'd never love again. And when I was weak, unable to speak,
still I could call You by name. And I said Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper, be my best friend. And you said, I Am.
You saw me wear white by pale candlelight, I said forever to what lies ahead. Two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream too much it might seem when it is 2am. And when I am weak, unable to speak, still I will call You by name. Shepherd, Savior, Pasture Maker, hold onto my hand. You say, I Am
The winds of change and circumstance blow in and all around us, so we find a foothold that's familiar and bless the moments that we feel You nearer.
When life had begun, I was woven and spun, You let the angels dance around the throne. And who can say when, but they'll dance again, when I am free and finally headed home. I will be weak, unable to speak, still I will call You by name. Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer, Comforter, Healer, my Redeemer, Lord and King, Beginning and the End. I Am. Yes, I Am."

 

Find a Church. Then find a friend in that Church who you can trust, both to hold you accountable, and to hold your privacy. Then seek counseling. And seek guidance from a leader in the Church, your pastor or a deacon or a ministry leader. You will have to get dirty again, relive the pain. You will have to tell the friend and the counselor and the spiritual guide your story. It will hurt all over again. But the hurt will be a healing hurt. Sooner than you realize, you will be able to forgive youself, and then forgive your former spouse.

 

Believe it or not, the day will come where you will not only be happy for your former spouse in whatever relationship they are in (as long as it's a healthy one, of course), but you will also be ready for a marriage committment in your life. But be careful! If you do not follow God's instructions and guidance, you can and will fall into another unhealthy relationship. When we refuse to learn from our past, our past repeats itself. And the pain is greater each additional time around. When we choose to learn from our past, to grow from it, we find grace, forgiveness, and true love. Real, God-given, God-sent, and God-like love. 

 

I am happy to report that, after falling down over myself several times, I finally gave up my stubbornness and handed myself over to the Father completely. Today, I am beyond happily married to an absolutely amazing man. I got another daughter and son out of the deal, too! Children are such a blessing from the Lord, I cannot even express the joy and love I have for all five of our monkeys! There is life after divorce, hope and healing! Praise God for His loving grace and mercy, for His forgiveness, and His healing hands!!!

Exposing my heart ...

 

So today I need to get some things out in the open about a relationship in my life that has been in conflict for awhile. I'm not really sure what started the whole problem, but it's gotten to the point where things are out of hand. So I'm going to come clean on exactly how I feel in hopes that, maybe, things can be repaired ...

 

 

So for starters, this person has been highly influential in my life for the last 5 years, especially when it comes to my return to Christianity, my decision to join the Catholic Church, and my desire for a personal relationship with Christ. They have also been an amazing example of service and showing love to others. I could not believe the genuine interest they showed in me when I first met them, and cherished the friendship we built.

 

I had the opportunity late last summer to begin working with them in a ministry setting. The tension between us seemed to start there, but I still am not quite sure why. It was such an amazing experience for me, and I learned so much from them. Though things did not work out well and I stepped back from that position earlier this year, I walked away knowing that I had experienced something awesome and would be forever changed for the better because of it. The lessons they taught me were invaluable and truly strengthened not only my faith walk but also my relationships with people in general, as I had learned from that person to approach ALL situations in love and empathy for others.

 

 

Fast forward to today - the circumstances surrounding that situation still seem to be an issue, despite my best efforts to show this person that I hold no ill will or hard feelings toward them. I deeply treasure them, and have a huge amount of respect for them and for everything they do for others, especially within our Parish. It breaks my heart that because of mis-understandings, mis-communications and lacks of communications, and mis-directed actions, we no longer have a good relationship. I desperately miss their friendship, their wisdom, and their positive influence in my life.

  

I know that life is not all about me, what I want, and what I need. A few years ago, I committed myself to live with God as #1, Family as #2, All Others as #3, and myself as always last. I am good with that, because I respect and love myself enough to know that I matter, but not so much as to think I matter more than others. So I realize that, if I lessen this person's life, if I bring negativity to it, that I should not be a part of it.

That being said, I know that I do not do that through my own actions. Any negativity has been because of their response to my actions. However, I question the role that I play in their response. Am I doing something unintentionally to trigger something that leads to that response? Have I unknowingly been the cause of their pain and frustration? I have tried to do everything as they requested, and it has not seemed to help. So today, I am left with the questions of what, where, when, and how. What did I do, where did it occur, when did it happen, and how did I somehow disrespect or dishonor this person?

 

I'm sorry to tell you that I do not have a happy conclusion today for myself. I feel broken, lost, confused, hurt, and upset. I am completely baffled as to how I can mend the wounds that I caused, I am clueless as to how I even caused them, and unsure of what the wounds even are. On top of that, I'm not even sure if the wounds I caused are my fault, or the result of pain and insecurities that this person was already carrying around. Today, I end with the only thing in life that encompasses every possible emotion we can feel, the one thing that every person does at some point in their life even if they do not 'believe' in God, the only thing to do in a situation like this: PRAY.

Why did the cow cross the road?

   To get to the other side, of course! It occurred to me the other day that to get to the other side isn't really an answer. I mean, to get to the other side is kind of like when you ask a kid why they stole a cookie and they say because. Was it really because the grass seemed greener, or longer, or thicker? Or maybe the dandelions looked more yellow and pretty. Or maybe the hills weren't as steep.

Well, I propose that the cow crossed the road because he wanted the water. He was thirsty, and went looking for something to quench his thirst. Maybe it was a hot day, maybe he had been playing around for awhile. Or maybe he just realized that his life in the meadow was missing something and went to search for it.

We have all been in that position, feeling a bit empty, like something is missing. So we try to fill it up with things. More money to buy more clothes, new furniture, new jewelry, new vehicles, bigger houses, a boat, a vacation cabin, jet ski's, snowmobiles, pets, campers, the list goes on ... But at the end of the day, when we crawl in between our 10,000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, are we really the person we should be? Was our day used in the best possible way? Did we do all we could with our time and resources to better the lives of others and show them the love of Christ? Did all the things we filled our life with fill the hole?

 

Most of the time when people feel like something is missing, it's God! So today, I propose we all do a spring cleaning. Of our lives, of our hearts, of our spiritual life. Turn yourself over to God, and let Him fill that hole. Go through your material possessions and really look at them. Do you need everything you have? Do you use everything you own? Are there people who need your extras that you could donate them to? Find your local St. Vincent de Paul and donate the things you've collected that just sit there, the extra clothing in your closet, that extra bed for in case your sister who never visits changes her mind and comes for the weekend, that second set of pots and pans that you don't even remember why you bought and have never used. Why keep it if you don't need it?

Then, take a good, long, quiet, time-out to look at your heart. What are the priorities in your life? How do you begin and end your day? What is the focus of your life, the reason you get up and do what you do every day? Make a list of what you feel is important, and number them in order of how you prioritize them. Is God your #1? Are others your #2? If they are not, it's time for you to re-evaluate your life and make some changes. There are always plenty of people at your Parish that are willing to pray for you, to mentor and hold you accountable. Your local Catholic bookstore is a great place to find a really good devotional, as well as a great resource for books on growing in your faith.

 

Lastly, look at your spiritual life. What are you doing with your faith? How are you spreading the truth of Christ's love, bringing others to Him? I'm not saying you need to get a milk crate and a sign and go stand on the corner hollering at people ... although that could be a fun way to spend a dull Saturday afternoon ... Start simple. Smile and say hi to someone you don't know while you're out and about today. Make a point to get to know that lady in the cubicle across from you at work. Have a little chat with the older gentleman that comes in to your restaurant every morning by himself for oatmeal and tea. Give the nurse at the Dr's office a hug! Call your mom, and that sister who never visits, and tell them that you love them. Ask them how they're doing. And above all, think in LOVE, act in LOVE, and speak in LOVE! In order to share Christ's love, we have to be His love to others. It's pretty difficult to witness to someone effectively when we have show them only indifference or hostility.

 

Today, let's really revamp ourselves! We're about halfway through Lent, that point where it's becoming a bit routine, a bit mundane. So spice it up! Make a point to give out hello's, meaningful how are you's, and hugs today! NOTHING breaks through the ice on a cold heart like a genuine smile and true empathy. Remember, you are not the only one in search of water ... so bring them a glass of The Water! Whose life can you change today by bettering your heart?

My Broken Vessel

 

I am so dang fidgety today it's not even remotely funny. The ADHD is kicking into overdrive. I'm sick of the cold. I'm tired of aching. I want my beautiful spring flowers and sweet, fluffy baby birds back. Instead I have snow. Quite honestly, I'm trying to figure out how to find something cheerful about today, aside from the fact that I'm the only person in the office for most of the day so it's quiet. Not that it's really that much louder when my co-worker is here. I've changed my radio station 5 times now, and am contemplating a 6th change. The urge to run back home and play with powertools is so strong I cannot even begin to describe it!!!

I have ALWAYS had a brain that runs a million miles an hour. Until I was about 8, I didn't vocalize most of my thoughts because I figured nobody cared to hear them but me. By the time I was 10, it didn't matter if you wanted to know what was going on in my head or not, I would tell you. I finally learned to reign that in about 3 years ago. Not a fun journey, either. People can be so cruel to anyone who is a bit different. And I definately acquired the Allen eccentricities. I love that I have them now, but not so much for many, many years - especially growing up, the formative years.

For many years, I was depressed and anxious because people found me annoying. By the time I was 16, I had been given the nickname Tigger by a boss because he said I was always bouncing around with a smile and chattering. I had so much energy, and so much in my head and my heart to share, but I didn't know how to express it in a way that other people would listen to. And few people cared enough to listen to more than 5 or 6 sentences before they got annoyed or walked away. Nobody knew that the cheery exterior, the smiles, the jokes, were all to cover the pain caused by their rejection and mockery. I felt like I was a slug trying to be a butterfly.

It took many years of this pain and rejection, of a terrible and very heavy self-loathing that caused very bad decisions, of the painful consequences of those very bad decisions, before I realized that the answer was in my question: Every time I was asking God WHY, I was asking the wrong person. I should have been asking myself why! WHY had I turned from His love? WHY had I thought I was smart enough, strong enough, able enough to live without His plan? Nothing I had done so far had been helpful. I had taken the beautiful soul God created JUST FOR ME, before I was EVEN THOUGHT OF and I had crushed it into a billion little shards, each one with edges created by my sin, by my selfishness, by my anger and refusal to forgive those whom had hurt me, and used them to further cut myself apart. And to cut others apart, the very worst thing I could have done!

Last October, I had the honor of attending our Diocese's first Annual Women's Conference with several of the wonderful women from my Parish. I fell in love with the way that they explained the focus of the conference, the model that they used to describe our lives in relation to God and sin. It is so perfect, so beautiful, that I've expanded the description a bit and have adopted that description as my own. So now, I want to share it with you:

 

When God creates each of us, He lovingly forms our souls with His hands, The Potter's Hands. We are each perfect, each unique, each made in His own image. And so we begin life as a beautiful, shining vessel, a perfect example of His perfect love. When we sin, it is as if a sledgehammer comes down and smashes us to bits. With each sin, we become more fragmented, until we are little more than a pile of shattered bits and pieces with sharp edges, ready to cut and defend. When we come to God, as like the prodigal son, we offer Him the pieces of what was once His perfect creation. When we accept His love and forgiveness, and we start to live in Him and allow Him to live through us, He takes those pieces, those shattered bits, and He begins to piece us back together. We become a new vessel, created of the pieces, the experiences, of our past. We will never be exactly the same, yet we will be made perfect again! When we allow God to put our pieces back together, we become as a broken vessel that is bursting with His light through every crack and crevice. What could be more beautiful than a life shining with the light of His love and grace?!? Occasionally, we will stumble and a piece will fall out. Each time we come to Him in humility, He forgives those stumblings and allows His light to shine more brightly through the new holes and cracks. The more we allow God to use us, the brighter the light shines until it can no longer be contained and begins to spill out over everything and everyone we encounter in our lives! We become as a beacon in the darkness, a hope that all can see.

 

Every day, I strive to give God my cracks and shards, my bumps and bruises.

I don't ask Him for band-aids or motrin. I ask Him to take my pain and use it for good!

We have a few beliefs in our family that emphasize this way of thinking:

Never say can't. You CAN do anything you strive for! The outcome may not always be what you expected, but do not sell yourself short from working to achieve anything!

Never say mistake. The very word mistake allows for denial of responsibility. Every situation is controlled by those involved in it, and their decisions determine it's positive or negative outcome. Whenever we experience a positive outcome, we are called to share that with others, to spread the good will. Whenever we experience a negative outcome, whether it's from our decisions or it's the impace of the decisions of others, we are called to learn from that experience. To spread the lessons, to not repeat those poor decisions and to teach others not to repeat those decisions! Out light should be more than a candle illuminating a bit of the darkness - we truly should be as a beacon in a lighthouse, always striving to lead and guide others to the shelter and safety of God's shore!

So today, I'm going to do my best to funnel my excessive energy in to creativity. I am going to work on the materials for our Parish's new ministry, Families In Faith (the brainchild of God inspiring my mind and heart during Mass on Sunday)'s monthly get-together this Friday night. I choose to become a beacon. To let His light shine through my wounds, making them clean and bright. Look out, though, because this beacon can be a bit jumpy and giggly at times!  ;)