Light at the end of the pain

Fair warning right off the bat ... today, divorce is on my mind and heart. I promise the story ends with a smile, though ...

 

In less than a month, I will again face the day my own divorce was finalized 9 years ago. It's not an easy day. It's not a day I celebrate, but it is no longer a day I mourn. It was another life so to speak, another person who walked into the court room that day. I remember the day as a blur, one of those days that is so overly emotional your brain becomes a bit hazy as a defense mechanism because if you felt every emoion pouring through your body, you would have a psychotic melt down.

Divorce should never be a cause for celebration, something to rejoice in or be happy about. In my case, it needed to happen. That does not mean I wanted it. I wanted my marriage to work out, to raise my children in one home, with both their parents. Displaying and sharing and being one solid, loving family as God intended it.

 

Satan, however, had very different plans, and one of us succombed to those plans. It only takes one person to tear a family apart. The pain it causes is unspeakable, and the effects last a lifetime. I thought once the judge signed that paper, that I would feel free, able to move on, as if a weight had been lifted. That was not the case. I felt wasted, unwanted, unloved, and useless.

 

(Sidenote - as ALWAYS, God backs up my heart's message with the music playing on my Jango station ... currently it's Tenth Avenue North's 'Times'. I encourage you to listen to it after you read this ...)('Time' was immediately followed by Bethany Dillon's 'New Again'. Then Nichole Nordeman's 'I Am'. Wow. God is amazing!)

Slowly, I learned that, if you are open to it, healing does come. But it is not easy. More hurt will happen along the journey. You will make stupid decisions, have bad relationships, hurt more, cry more than you ever thought was possible, and loathe yourself in ways you have never experienced before. It's dirty, messy, and awful. Takingout the garbage always is. But once it's gone, you have a newly cleaned, fragile heart, ready for hope and healing.

 

I'm want to share the lyrics from 'I Am' with you. God used this song in a huge way while I was entrusting Him to heal me:

"Pencil marks on a wall, I wasn't always this tall. You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed. You watched my team win, You watched my team lose, watched when my bicycle went down again. And when I was weak, unable to speak, still I could call You by name. And I said, Elbow Healer, Superhero, come if You can. You said, I Am.
Only sixteen, life is so mean. What kind of curfew is at 10pm? You saw my mistakes, and watched my heart break. Heard when I swore I'd never love again. And when I was weak, unable to speak,
still I could call You by name. And I said Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper, be my best friend. And you said, I Am.
You saw me wear white by pale candlelight, I said forever to what lies ahead. Two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream too much it might seem when it is 2am. And when I am weak, unable to speak, still I will call You by name. Shepherd, Savior, Pasture Maker, hold onto my hand. You say, I Am
The winds of change and circumstance blow in and all around us, so we find a foothold that's familiar and bless the moments that we feel You nearer.
When life had begun, I was woven and spun, You let the angels dance around the throne. And who can say when, but they'll dance again, when I am free and finally headed home. I will be weak, unable to speak, still I will call You by name. Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer, Comforter, Healer, my Redeemer, Lord and King, Beginning and the End. I Am. Yes, I Am."

 

Find a Church. Then find a friend in that Church who you can trust, both to hold you accountable, and to hold your privacy. Then seek counseling. And seek guidance from a leader in the Church, your pastor or a deacon or a ministry leader. You will have to get dirty again, relive the pain. You will have to tell the friend and the counselor and the spiritual guide your story. It will hurt all over again. But the hurt will be a healing hurt. Sooner than you realize, you will be able to forgive youself, and then forgive your former spouse.

 

Believe it or not, the day will come where you will not only be happy for your former spouse in whatever relationship they are in (as long as it's a healthy one, of course), but you will also be ready for a marriage committment in your life. But be careful! If you do not follow God's instructions and guidance, you can and will fall into another unhealthy relationship. When we refuse to learn from our past, our past repeats itself. And the pain is greater each additional time around. When we choose to learn from our past, to grow from it, we find grace, forgiveness, and true love. Real, God-given, God-sent, and God-like love. 

 

I am happy to report that, after falling down over myself several times, I finally gave up my stubbornness and handed myself over to the Father completely. Today, I am beyond happily married to an absolutely amazing man. I got another daughter and son out of the deal, too! Children are such a blessing from the Lord, I cannot even express the joy and love I have for all five of our monkeys! There is life after divorce, hope and healing! Praise God for His loving grace and mercy, for His forgiveness, and His healing hands!!!