Happy Birthday to my beautiful 'acykaopepia' girl

Binder Park Zoo field trip 2006

With her cousin, Isabella
Christmas 2009

On this day (also a Thursday), 13 years ago at 9:48 a.m., the most adorable and wrinkly gift from God was placed into my arms for the first time. I was in awe. She was so tiny, so perfect, so ... scary!

 

My 19th birthday present that year was coming home from the hospital with my firstborn. I was madly in love with her. And I was terrified. She was so tiny, I was afraid I would break her legs every time I changed a diaper. I was physically unable to breastfeed, despite trying with great difficulty for 3 months. During that time, I was terrified she would starve to death. She had jaundice twice, and ended up being diagnosed lactose intolerant.

 

With step-dad Scott at our civil wedding
reception, June 19th, 2010

Goofing around with GakSplat at the
Sun Dried Fest in Mason, August 2011

She squaked and snorted, made noises and cried at times for absolutely no reason. By the time she was 6 months old, I knew she would be a talker. She was already starting to parrot the things adults said. By 7 months, she was pulling herself up on the couch and 'walking' sideways along it - she LOVED to do this and would go all the way from one end and back over and over, giggling the whole time. She was free walking by 9 months, and starting to run by 13 months. Her first 'real' word was spoken while watching Law & Order with me one night. They said Encyclopedia on the show, and she looked right at me and said "Acykaopepia, Mama?" For days she walked around with a book she claimed was, "My acykaopepia, Mama!" At her 1st birthday party, she was speaking in entire (short) sentences and basically hosted the party herself.

Community Softball Teams Tournament, Summer 2009

She has always been a combination of terrifying and amazing. I never knew it was possible to be so fiercely in love with and annoyed by someone at the same time until she turned 5. Incredibly intelligent, passionately artistic and musical, and wildly independent, she is insanely organized even when things appear messy, and yet procrastinates horribly.She calls herself my mini-me and constantly begs me to tell her stories about when I was growing up. She bottles things up inside and uses music to let it out. We are completely alike and vastly different. She has a mouthiness that is foreign to me, and a confidence that I still have not been able to acquire. She has a unique and striking beauty with eyes that sparkle when she is happy and smother when she is not, a beautiful and full mouth (that she got from my Daddy's side and I did not haha) that becomes the absolutely most gorgous smile on earth, and a warmth and empathy for others that you can feel just from being near her. She loves to make people smile, and is constantly making notes and pictures just to remind me that she loves me.

 

Her heart for God is incredible, she spends alot of time in prayer for the pain of others to be eased. She created what she calls her 'prayer station' in her room. It consists of a small Holy Water font that she received from our Priest one Christmas that hangs on the wall just at kneeling height. Below that hangs a tapestry of the face of Jesus, also a gift to her from our Priest. Next to that hangs a silver Crucifix (also a gift from our Priest), her Rosary, and a prayer card of Mary. She already has a devotion to our Blessed Mother that is far beyond her years, it is so amazing to see and hear! On the floor where she kneels, there is a small blanket to act as a cushion, and next to that, a basket filled with books about Mary, the Saints, and various prayer cards.

 

I could talk all day about her, but I should get some work done lol so I will end with this:

 

Today, I am so proud to call her daughter, and honored to be called Mama by her. She is my light, my beauty, my passion. I adore her, and could not possibly imagine my life without her. I thank God and pray for her heart every day. As we enter her teenage years together, my prayer is that she draw closer to God, that her desire to be in His presence continues to grow with each passing day. I pray that she never stops wanting hugs and kisses. I pray that her wounds heal, and that she continue to pray for the wounds of others. She is an amazing 13 year old, and today I feel like I'm back where I was, 13 years ago. Holding the most beautiful gift from God, both scared and excited about spending the future with her! 

 

 

Footprints and Scars

The beauty of a winter snowfall.

This morning, many of us woke up to the beautiful aftermath of an overnight snow. It's difficult to see such glorious, pure white draping everything and not be in awe! Upon closer inspection, I noticed that the trees and bushes seemed to be bending under their fluffy new blankets. I captured our firebush out front because it was astounding to me just how heavy this snowfall was. Even more so, how resilient nature seems to be in return, bending gracefully to bear the weight and somehow remaining unbroken.

 

The love of our Creator is much like a freshly fallen snow. Dazzling white and pure of defect, completely blanketing us, bringing us His complete and total wisdom, bending us under the all consuming fire of His heart - and yet not breaking the free will He gave us.

 

Footprints ... both haunting & beautiful.

Much like the footprints of the paperboy cutting across the lawns mar the beauty of the snow, the decisions we make also do so to the perfect relationship that is created when we first accept His love. No matter how pure our intentions at first, ultimately the temptations of sin lure all of us away at some time, in some way. When we return on our knees to The Father, he washes away the stains and we become pure again, like the earth after a new snowfall re-blankets nature.

 And what becomes of all those footprints? It's been said often lately that the definition of insanity is to repeat the same thing over and over achieving the same results every time. So what about us? Do we remember the mar's left behind from our 'shortcuts'? Or do we choose to stay on the sidewalk, even if it means taking a different or longer route than we are comfortable with?

 

It's so easy to fall into the trap of not learning from our past decisions. Words like 'mistake' and 'accident' too often get used in an attempt to excuse past bad behaviour. Soon we find ourselves cutting across the lawn again, leaving behind more footprints, more scars. We find ourselves like the prodigal son, on our knees, unworthy, before Our Father once again begging for His mercy and forgiveness.

 

Though the love of Christ is strong enough to wash away our sins each and every time we ask for forgiveness in true humility of spirit, there are long term effects left behing. Much like the footprints in the lawn leave indents even when covered by a new snowfall. Scars. They are a constant reminder to us that we are human and when we choose our way instead of His way, there are consequences.

 

The great news is that you have a choice what you will do with those scars. Will you hide them under a baggy pair of sweats and hoodie, or will you bear them as a reminder to yourself and a witness to others? There is a consequence, immediate and eternal for both. One will lead you further away from His love, the other brings you even closer to His heart. There is a beauty that can be found in exposing our scars. Learning from the wounds, leaning upon His love for healing, that is more beautiful than just about anything else!

 

So today, what will you do? Will you continue to shortcut across the lawn or will you stay on the sidewalk? Will you hide under a blanket, or will you bear witness to the beauty that comes from giving Him our pain?

Falling up the stairs to Heaven.

Tonight was amazing. It started when I was able to make a lifetime Confession right after work. What an amazing sense of healing and peace I walked away with!

I followed that with voting for a School Bond Millage that our district is desperately in need of.

Then we went to Taco Tuesday, our weekday tradition that is usually followed by Praise & Worship service.

Instead of P&W, tonight we had Night Three of our Mission with Fr. Ben Luedtke. Forgiveness, the importance of going to Confession often, and the beauty of Reconciliation with Our Father was the theme.

The entire day was so amazing, so beautifully orchestrated by God that I'm still kind of in awe of it all! Even little thing, minor situations, just played out perfectly.

What a blessing to be on the receiving end of such Grace! I cannot be anything but humbled and thankful for the amazing people He has placed in my life. ALL of you bring such gifts of richness, depth, and love. Thank you!!! I shudder to think of my life without all of you!

And on that note, I am heading to bed with my sweet little Stalker Dog. Sweet dreams to you all, may His blessings continue to pour down on you!!!!

That moment where the wind turns your umbrella upside down ...

 

I'm sure you've had a day like me,
where nothing seems to set you free
from the burdens you can't carry all alone ...

This is how I feel this morning. Not only have I NOT kept up on the blog every day, I don't even know where to begin with translating the incredible amount I am learning this Lent into something readable on this page. To top it off, I am failing miserably on staying meatless. Three times I have done it while in a hurry, only to stop on the last bite and go GAA!!!

That moment where you realize you just ate meat during your meatless Lent ...



Anyone know where I can find one of these?
It's like AA except it's for people like me who have
a writer inside but are afraid to really let it out.

I have continued to challenge myself, yet am struggling to put it down for others. Every day has been a struggle and success for me, so why can't I find the words to share with others so they, too, can experience the joy of overcoming with me? Why am I letting the lessons of the day become bottled up inside me? I'm not afraid to write. But I am afraid that what I say will be fruitless ... that it will mean nothing to anyone but myself.




 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

We have had the pleasure this week of having our Parish's Lenten Mission with the fabulous Fr. Bennett Luedtke. He is absolutely fantastic, and has confirmed that I'm on the right path. Yet I still feel stuck.

 

 

 

 

 

I am learning SO much, having SO much that I'm already putting into practice confirmed that my usual spasticness and difficulty staying on topic is even worse! Combine that with feeling like I've so much to say and not knowing where to start, I'm beyone mentally jittered.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So once again, God speaks through my music. Francesca Battastelli, "Beautiful, Beautful." - "Don't know how it is you look at me, and saw the person that I could be. Awakening my heart breaking through the dark, suddenly Your grace - like sunlight burning at midnight, making my life something so beautiful. Mercy reaching to save me, all that I need You, is so beautiful, beautiful ..."

 

Followed by MercyMe, "My Heart Will Fly" - "Why this happened I cannot explain, why write the script with such heartache and pain. Could there not have been an easier way, watching life through this glass so faded? I cannot see the bigger picture taking place, oh to understand one day. My heart will fly, when I finally see You face to face, and my tears will fly. Away, away! It won’t be long 'till we all go home with all things revealed and on that day we’ll finally know. Oh, as we are fully known. My heart will fly when I finally see You face to face and my tears will fly. Away, away! And what appears as incomplete ws still completely Yours. And one day we’ll see as we’ve been seen, and we’ll soar! My heart will fly when I finally see You face to face, and my tears will fly. Away, away!"

 

Ok, God, I get it. "I get down, He lifts me up. I get down, He lifts me up. Every time I'm down, the Lord lifts me up!" (Thanks, Audio Adrenalin, for helping drive in the point lol.)

 

So today, I choose to fly. I will take the crap that's dragging me down, burn it and use it for fuel to lift me up. Because at the end of the day, it's not what happens to us that determines who and how we are - it's how we respond to what happens, it's what we do with those situations. I don't know if my ramblings will make sense or help anyone. But I know that they're from Him. I am doing my best to let Jesus live in and through me. I KNOW that when we do that, He will use us for good. So I write. Because I KNOW that is how I can impact those who I don't see face to face. Jeremy Camp's "Restored" puts it really well ... PLEASE take a few minutes to watch this video!!!

 

His way is so beautiful and so EASY once you start, It is so strong that I know no matter how much poo gets shoveled my way, I'm going to take my upside down umbrella and dance with it in the rain. Maybe I will even use it as wings. I've always wanted to fly like a bird over the ocean during a storm, anyways!!!  :)

 

How to Live Under and Umbrella During a Blizzard

Ever have one of those days where, no matter how much you love, how much you pray, how much you forgive, how much you do so much ... it's just not enough. Broken. Flawed. Crippled. Unusable. Disabled. That's how I've felt for the last few days, each day feeling progressively more and more so. Today, I'm at the point where I basically feel like the only thing I'm accomplishing well is being as valuable as a dastardly, flesh-eating bacteria. Like I'm trying to hug someone and all they do is complain about my short t-rex arms and giant destructive body.

I'm well aware that nobody ever promised this journey would be easy, fair, or all fun. We all know I'm a huge preacher of that very message. Yet there are still days where, despite the depth of faith I know I possess, I have far less than 100% or even 50% assurance that all will be truly well in the end.

Today, I am ending a very stressful week by having to leave my sick daughter at home while I go to work. To a job I love, for people I love, at a place I love. Where I do not feel very loved, especially lately.

But of course, God refuses to let me wallow in mysery. So while I am typing this, 'How He Loves Us' comes on ... and I get a text from a friend I haven't heard from in awhile reminding me that they love me, too ... and I DID get to meet my new niece last night ... and I DO have the most amazing family to be found for miles around ... and I DID get to spend a few bonus days with my other niece while her baby sister was being born ...

So the positive thoughts begin to flow in. And the negative is starting to fade a bit. Oh, it's far from gone. For example, I'm currently trying to convince Hubbs to go get margarita stuff as today is National Margarita Day. (Because what goes better with the winter blues and a Fish Friday than Margaritas!) I'm still in pain and feeling frustrated ... but it could be so much worse. Far from fully positive, but further away from fully negative.

So the next time I try to hug someone and they complain about my short arms, I will remind them that dastardly, flesh-eating bacterias have their positives, too ... they can be used to get rid of gangrene and kill off evil people - just for example, of course.  ;)

Singing Praises While I'm Rolling Downhill in an Avalanche

Bethany Dillon - Hallelujah

Casting Crowns - Praise You In This Storm

Ginny Owens - If You Want Me To

Natalie Grant - Held

 

The theme is pretty clear this morning - praise God in ALL things, at ALL times. It seems a bit absurd and almost impossible when you just think about it briefly. So I decided to think about it deeper. Today I got an email about an extremely difficult personal situation we are involved in with one of our kids. It gave us insight and hope into a potential resolution. However, others of our kids will possibly be penalized by it. I'm faced with the decision to continue asking one of my kids to continue suffering, or possibly put the other two in a worse situation. I'm lost. I'm back to hopeless.

 

Then Meredith Andrew's 'Draw Me Nearer, Lord' comes on. I hear the words, "In your nearness there is healing, what was broken now made whole. Restoration in its fullness, lasting hope for all who come. In your nearness I take shelter, where you are is where I’m home. I have need of only one thing, to be here before your throne." In HIS presence, there is healing for ALL. Feeling a bit like a broken record, I go right back to the beginning: ALL things in love, ALL responses in love, PRAYER, and forgiveness. Suddenly, HE gives me the answer.

 

Will it be easy? Definitely not. Will we all face more hurt and pain? More than likely. But the cause of it is not US, it is not our FAULT. We will act in love, for what is best for our children. We will be ready with open arms when they are hurting and in pain. We will pray as a family for Christ to bind our wounds, to protect our hearts.

 

And most importantly, we will praise Him for He is good all the time! (All the time, He is good!) His love endures forever. Pain and trials are a part of this life. To blame ourselves for someone else's actions is as fruitless as saying God causes the pain that comes from the Evil One. HE is the light at the end of our tunnels ...

 

And right on cue as if to emphasize this point, Tenth Avenue North's "Times" is the next song playing:

"I hear You say, 'My love is over. It's underneath. It's inside. It's in between. The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel. The times that you question, 'Is this for real?' The times you're broken. The times that you mend. The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend. Well, My love is over, it's underneath. It's inside, it's in between. These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks. The times that you feel like you're falling from grace. The times you're hurting. The times that you heal. The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal. The times of confusion, in chaos and pain. I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame. I'm there through your heartache. I'm there in the storm. My love I will keep you, by My power alone. I don't care where you fall, where you have been. I'll never forsake you, My love never ends. It never ends.' "

This is immediately followed by Chris Tomlin singing 'How Great Is Our God', "Name above all Names, worthy of all praise. My heart will sing, how great is our God!"

And so today, I will speak in love. I will act in love. I will view all others in love. I will pray. And no matter what happens, I will PRAISE HIM, because, "You hold my very moment, You calm my raging seas. You walk with me through fire and heal all my disease. I trust in You, I trust in You.
I believe You're my healer, I believe You are all I need. I believe! And I believe You're my portion, I believe You're more than enough for me. Jesus You're all I need!" (Kari Jobe, Healer).

Turning the other Hand because I'm out of Cheeks to be slapped.

First off, I apologize for the two missing days. I've been fighting a case of pneumonia that is determined to destroy me, so the weekend was spent fighting back. On a bright note, I'm at work fever free so far. On a dimmer note, I haven't won ... yet. Muahaha!!

 

So today, I had fully determined to step up the game a bit more and add forgiveness to the mix. Judging by the first 3 songs Jango played today, I am thinking God agrees lol. This was confirmed completely by what my work day has brought. So here goes:

 

As many of you know, the last couple weeks have been a challenge as far as dealing with difficult situations and people. This morning, I came in to find out that a long-time parishioner who has been battling alzheimer's passed away this weekend. In addition, his daughter and her family are close friends of mine. The suddenness and finality of death always washes over like a tidal wave. Funerals are definitely one of the more difficult parts of my job.

 

In addition to burying both her parents within the last 5 years, my dear friend is now also struggling with being persecuted by the family of her father - aka HER family - for the way that she is handling his funeral. Which is exactly how he wanted it handled. And so, my job of getting information becomes, as it has so often before, that of friend and comforter. Because she is already a friend, the empathy I feel becomes much more intense, and I struggle not to become angry on her behalf of these family members who are causing more pain for her. Just as I'm about to form an edge, God speaks loudly and clearly through the music I have playing all day long. (He does this ALOT, by the way!)

 

I stop dead in my tracks because in the background, I hear the words of Shawn McDonald's Open Me. "I want to serve You, my God, I want to give you everything. I want to serve You, my King." Am I serving God, am I serving the deceased man's memory, and am I serving his daughter - my friend! - by letting anger take over? As Addison Road puts it well, "If everything comes to love, then just what am I afraid of? When I call out Your name, something inside awakes in my soul. How quickly I forget I'm Yours!"

 

Often I remember that everyone around me is cradled in the shelter of His love, but how often I forget to include myself in this! HIS love sets us free, free from pain, free from the burden of sin, free from the anger that is all to easy to be consumed by. So I choose forgiveness. Even though these people have no idea their actions have hurt me. The moment I decided to say, "Lord, help me forgive their sefish behavours!", I was flooded with a peace, and the words my friend needed to hear immediately flowed from my mouth.

 

Because I looked to His grace to forgive, she, too, will be able to forgive them. She was able to turn the situation over to God, to allow me and a few others to pray for the family members. And she is now able to fully honor her father's wishes, his amazing life, by planning his funeral exactly how he wanted it without the baggage and burden of frustration and anger.

 

I forgive you ... three of the hardest words to say, and even harder to mean. But once we embrace them, once we fully understand the burden of unforgiveness, how easy they become to live!!!